Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
