apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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