I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
