Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
God I need to hump something, right now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
