Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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