I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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