I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
