My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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