I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
