i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
