i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
