I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
