His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
