??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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