More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
