i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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