I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
