Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He better not be in your backpack
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize