How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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