I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Randomize
