i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
