I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize