you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I love you.
Bad choice
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
