When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
