Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
