I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
