Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Barsexuality is the new black.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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