I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
