While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
