Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
