Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
