i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
