I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize