I think my fart just growled at me.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
