I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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