Someone shit on the floor
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
