my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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