I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
