Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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