Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pants are for mortals
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
