just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
