My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
