The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
