high people should be assigned attendants
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
