My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
