Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
