whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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