Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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