Yo dont text me then not text me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
