WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
