you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
