i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
