she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
