I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
