im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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